


The Whole History of The Scarlet Pimpernel in 3000 Words or Less

by BaronessEmma



Category: The Scarlet Pimpernel - Baroness Orczy
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3561851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaronessEmma/pseuds/BaronessEmma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well. . . it's the whole history of the Scarlet Pimpernel in 3000 words or less. . . </p><p>Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Whole History of The Scarlet Pimpernel in 3000 Words or Less

_In the beginning. . ._

**The Laughing Cavalier**

**Diogenes** \- "I am a brave but very poor person who looks very good in lace!"

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Oooo, you're cute."

 **Nicolaes Beresteyn** \- "I'm a traitor."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "But I still love you, brother."

 **Lord Stoutenburg** \- "I'm a bad guy, and I want you, Gilda."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Eww."

 **Diogenes** \- "I will kidnap you to save you and get into a very long and strange dither about it and then do something stupid and get captured but then will save the day."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**The First Sir Percy**

**Diogenes** \- "I'm rich now and my name is Percy."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Yep, still cute."

 **Diogenes** \- "Good, 'cause we're married."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Kiss me, fool."

 **Diogenes** \- "I can't. I have to take care of my sick friend."

 **Nicolaes Beresteyn** \- "I'm still a traitor."

 **Lord Stoutenburg** \- "Good, 'cause I'm still a bad guy, and I still want Gilda."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "This is bad. . ."

 **Diogenes** \- "And it gets worse because I run around doing heroic stuff without you for a while and then I pretend to be a blind and drunken dork."

 **Lord Stoutenburg** \- "Ain't life a bitch?"

 **Diogenes** \- "Yeah, but I get the girl and save the day."

 **Gilda Beresteyn** \- "Just kiss me, please."

* * *

_A hundred years later. . ._

**The Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in lace!"

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Idiot"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Ooo, I see a chance to be a control freak. Find the elusive but very heroic Scarlet Pimpernel!"

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "NO!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "M'kay, I'll kill your brother."

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Here's all I know. . ." *sobs*

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "What's wrong m'dear?"

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Heh. Wouldn't you like to know? . ." *leaves*

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I smell trouble. I'm the Scarlet Pimpernel, so I must save the day." *leaves*

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "My hubby is gone and here is his ring and he went in the direction of France and he has French maps, so he must be the Scarlet Pimpernel!"

 **Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** \- "Duh."

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Oh, woe is me!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "I have a control freakish Fiendish Plot! Hehehehehe."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Don't worry, I will save the day!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "I have been foiled! Drat!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Ain't I cute, Margot?"

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**Sir Percy Leads the Band**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in disguise!"

 **Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** \- "We knew that."

 **French People** \- "Kill the king!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will save the day!"

 **St. John Devinne** \- "I'm a traitor."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "M'kay, I will still save the day!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "I have a Fiendish Plot! Hehehehehe."

 **French People** \- "Kill the aristos!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Oooh, look! I saved the day!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Drat."

 **St. John Devinne** \- "I hate myself now."

* * *

_A few months later. . ._

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** \- "WOOT! We get our own book!"

 **Lord Kulmstead** \- "I'm a traitor."

 **The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** \- "You're only in one story though, so you don't matter."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I am a cute and very rich person who looks very good in disguise!"

 **Sir Andrew Ffoulkes** \- "Again?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Yes. Every time."

 **Lord Antony Dewhurst** \- "EVERY time?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Yes. I am the hero."

 **Marat** \- "I'm a bad guy."

 **Foucquier-Tinville** \- "So am I!"

 **Bibot** \- "Me too."

 **Chauvelin** \- "And I have Fiendish Plots."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Which I have already foiled."

 **Chauvelin** \- "Drat."

 **The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** \- "But. . . We thought this was going to be _our_ book. . ."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**I Will Repay!**

**Juliette** \- "I have to get revenge on Paul Deroulede."

 **Paul Deroulede** \- "Hey! You're kinda cute."

 **Juliette** \- "Yeah, you are too. I must kill you, though."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Oh, I love saving people in love!"

 **Paul Deroulede** \- "How are you going to do that?

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I'll just whistle up a mob, and then take you to England."

 **Paul Deroulede** \- "Huh? But she hates my guts, so I will just die of sorrow."

 **Juliette** \- "Yeah, that sounds like fun, I think I'll do that too. . . I love you Paul."

 **Paul Deroulede** \- "Wait. . . you do?"

 **Juliette** \- "Yes."

 **Paul Deroulede** \- "WOOT!"

 **Juliette** \- "Kiss me, fool."

 **Everyone Else in the Story** \- "I'm confused."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "That will not stop me from saving the day!"

 **Everyone Else in the Story** \- "WOOT!"

* * *

_A few days later. . ._

**The Elusive Pimpernel**

**Paul Deroulede** \- "Hey! Do we get another story?"

 **Juliette** \- "No, we're just pawns."

 **Marguerite** \- "Can I be a pawn too?"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Sure, be my guest."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I see you have a very wily and fiendish sort of Fiendish Plot. . ."

 **Chauvelin** \- "Yes, I am very proud of it."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "May I foil it?"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Sure, be my guest."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Wow, that was easy. . ."

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_Several months later. . ._

**Eldorado**

**Louis Capet** \- "Wa!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "We must save the poor child. Help me Armand!"

 **Armand** \- "But I can't, I'm all moony eyed over a girl."

 **Jeanne** \- "That's me!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Help me anyway."

 **Armand** \- "No one understands me. . ."

 **Chauvelin** \- "Oooo, a chance for my Fiendish Plot to actually work! Help _me_ , Armand."

 **Armand** \- "Ok. . . wait. . . I'm a traitor? When did that happen?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I have to go get captured now. . ."

 **Armand** \- "This is bad."

 **Marguerite** \- "I still love you brother, but my heart is broken."

 **Chauvelin** \- "WOOT!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "But then I save the day."

 **Chauvelin** \- "Drat."

 **Marguerite** \- "At least I don't have to worry about being a widow. . . for a few days. . ."

 **Armand** \- "I hate myself now. . ."

 **Jeanne** \- "But what about me?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Don't worry. I will now take this time to teach Armand how to save the day."

 **Marguerite Blakeney** \- "WILL YOU JUST KISS ME ALREADY?"

* * *

_An indeterminate amount of time later. . ._

**Mam'zelle Guillotine**

**Gabrielle Damiens** \- "I am a woman with a very sad history. That makes me a villain."

 **French People** \- "Why?"

 **Gabrielle Damiens** \- "I CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!"

 **French People** \- "Oh. Run! Hide!"

 **French Arisocratic Lady** \- "The evil woman has my kids!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will save the day!"

 **Marguerite** \- "Kiss me, fool.

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "But if I do that, I won't be able to save the day. . ."

 **Marguerite** \- "Duh, that's the plan."

 **Gabrielle Damiens** \- "No, the plan is that he is going to come kiss _me_ , and I will whip him and call him pet names."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "And that sounds like fun. Watch the kids for me, will you hon?"

 **Marguerite** \- "Sometimes my life stinks. . ."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "But, sink me! I have saved the day!"

 **Gabrielle Damiens** \- "And I hate myself now? . . more than before? . . I don't know if I can live with this. . ."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Well, don't bother me, 'cause I'm going home."

 **Marguerite** \- "Yay! Can _I_ whip you now?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Kiss me, fool."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**Lord Tony's Wife**

**Lord Antony Dewhurst** \- "I get a wife?"

 **Yvonne** \- "I'm his wife?"

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "Hey, we're just as surprised as you are. . ."

 **Carrier** \- "I'm a bad guy."

 **Chauvelin** \- "I was one first"

 **Carrier** \- "I have a Fiendish Plot."

 **Chauvelin** \- "I had one first."

 **Yvonne** \- "Oh woe is me!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will save the day!"

 **Carrier** \- "Drat. I have been foiled."

 **Chauvelin** \- "Join the club."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "WOOT!"

 **Lord Antony Dewhurst** \- Wait, don't _I_ get to be the hero this time?

 **Yvonne** \- "No, you get me."

 **Lord Antony Dewhurst** \- "Oh."

 **Yvonne** \- "Kiss me, fool."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I love happy endings."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**The Way of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Josette** \- "My life is crumbling around me - help me, Scarlet Pimpernel!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "This has been happening for years, and it's NOW you want my help?"

 **Josette** \- "I can bat my eyes if you want. . ."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Eh. I'd much rather just save the day."

 **Chauvelin** \- "I will interfere!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will intervene!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "I will pretend to be you!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will - . . . wait. . . what?" *goes off into uncontrollable peal of annoying giggling*

 **Chauvelin** \- "I hate you."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "And thus, I can save the day!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Drat."

* * *

_A few weeks later. . ._

**Sir Percy Hits Back**

**Fleurette** \- "Bibi!"

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "WHO ON EARTH IS "BIBI"?!"

 **Armand Chauvelin** \- "I am. Whoa, I get a first name and a backstory? WOOT!"

 **Fleurette** \- "Yes, and I love you Bibi, my daddy!"

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "WHAT KIND OF WUSSY NAME IS "BIBI"?!"

 **Fleurette** \- "I'm in trouble, HELP!"

 **Armand Chauvelin** \- "Hey, don't look at me, kiddo, I'm the villain."

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "THE BARONESS COULDN'T THINK OF ANY NAMES BUT "BIBI" AND "ARMAND"?

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I will save the day! Sorta. . ."

 **Armand Chauvelin** \- "Whoa, I hate myself now. . ."

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "Serves you right, Bibi Armand Stupid Face."

* * *

_At random times throughout the years. . ._

**Adventures of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Yay! Stories all about me! Finally. . . I tell ya, what some people have to do to get some literary attention. . ."

 **Lord Fanshaw** \- "I'm a traitor."

 **The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel** \- "Yeah, but no one can tell you apart from Devinne, so you don't matter.

 **Chauvelin** \- "I am the evil arch-nemesis, bow to my Fiendish Plots!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "I foil your Fiendish Plots!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Drat."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "That was fun."

 **Marguerite** \- "Please kiss me this time."

* * *

_Several months after every other story. . ._

**The Triumph of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**French People** \- "We're tired of Revolution, we're going to Revolt!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Finally people are talking sense. . ."

 **Chauvelin** \- "But I'm not done with my last Fiendish Plot!"

 **Marguerite** \- "If I fall for it one more time, will Percy kiss me?"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Whatever." *goes off into touching monologue on the futility of dreams*

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Excuse me! I'm trying to scarify myself for the greater good here!"

 **Chauvelin** \- "Scarification is good."

 **Theresia Cabarrus** \- "Can I play?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Yes, but not with me."

 **Chauvelin** \- "I'm confused!"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "HAH! THE DAY IS MINE! I now will save my darling Margot!" (but don't touch me, please, sweetie)

 **Marguerite** \- "Do I EVER get a kiss?"

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Not in the canon. . ."

 _**Marguerite** _ _\- "M'kay, fine, let's step out of canon for a bit. . ."_

 _**Sir Percy Blakeney** _ _\- "Mmmm. Sounds like fun."_

 _**Marguerite** _ _\- "You have no idea."_

*sappy music plays here*

* * *

_A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. . ._

**A Child of the Revolution**

**Andre Vallon** \- "I am a thwarted but very cute and heroic person who goes off to war without my mother's consent, and there I loose my arm to an enemy wielding a shiny pointed object."

 **Robespierre** \- "Andre, I am your Villain. Come with me and we will rule the universe." *sound of heavy breathing and random deaths from strangulation*

 **Andre Vallon** \- "Sounds like fun, but now I must go home to get completely misplaced revenge for losing my arm." *waves shiny pointed object in a threatening manner*

 **Robed Priest** \- "Calm down, my son. Feel the power of the Spirit."

 **Andre Vallon** \- "Hey look! I can control other people's minds!"

 **Andre's Mommy** \- "Now I will die in a stupidly lit fire and become a smoking corpse."

 **Andre Vallon** \- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There's nothing here for me anymore! Now I have to find non-Platonic female motivation! Do you have any idea how hard that is when your country is in Revolution?"

 **Aurore** \- Remember me? I was that beautiful recurring vision you had that led you through all you adventures. I'm rich."

 **Andre Vallon** \- "Heh. You're mine now."

 **Aurore** \- "I am? Well, it'll take about a decade for me to realize it, but. . . I guess I love you."

 **Andre Vallon** \- "I know."

 **French People** \- "Cue the lover's random and obligatory violent separation here."

 **Aurore** \- "Andre don't! It's a trap!"

 **Andre Vallon** \- "I am the hero! I'll never turn to the dark side!"

 **Charles de Marigny** \- "I am a bad guy. Strike me down, I am unarmed. . ."

 **Aurore** \- "Help me, Scarlet Pimpernel, you're my only remaining hope!

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Wait. . . I'm in this story?"

* * *

_A hundred years later. . ._

**The Pimpernel and Rosemary**

**Rosemary** \- "I am soooooo pretty. It is my curse."

 **Everyone Else In The Story** \- "Being pretty is bad?"

 **Rosemary** \- "Yes, because I'm also good at everything else but somehow I'm too dumb to see a plot when it happens right in front of me, so even though I'm not blond, people think I am."

 **Marguerite** \- "That's not bad, it's just formulaic."

 **Rosemary** \- "HEY! Get out of MY story! Excuse me, I have to go marry the wrong person." *exits*

 **Marguerite** \- "Been there, done that - tell me if he ever kisses you. . ." *exits*

 **Peter Blakeney** \- "I have loved her for years." *heavy sigh* "And now she is going to marry someone else, but I am secretly a heroic person, so I will now go through a very long and convoluted plot to prove my love instead of actually saying it at the beginning and preventing everyone's problems in the first place."

 **General Naniescu** \- "I get to be a very cruel and shrewd villain? WOOT!" *composes Fiendish Plot*

 **Jasper Tarkington** \- "I am also a bad guy, but apparently no one can tell."

 **Rosemary** \- "I still love you hubby."

 **Everyone In The Story** \- "Once upon a time. . . In a far away land. . . There were three people with problems. . .And they lived in a land in Revolution. . . All this has happened before. . . All this will happen again. . . But this time it happened to Rosemary and Peter and Jasper and a country no one really knows anything about. . ."

 **Rosemary** \- "Wow! A lot of bad stuff just happened!"

 **Jasper Tarkington** \- "Grr! Argh!" *Dies*

 **Peter Blakeney** \- "And I have saved the day."

 **General Naniescu** \- "Drat, foiled again!"

 **Rosemary** \- "The wrong man I married is dead."

 **Peter Blakeney** \- "Gonna marry me now?"

 **Rosemary** \- "Well. . . I have to think about it. . ." *thinks for two years*

 **Peter Blakeney** \- "Kiss me, fool"

* * *

_At some undisclosed place and time. . ._

**The Scarlet Pimpernel Looks at the World**

**Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Um, I'm writing this story? Why? What's it about, again?"

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "Wine, Women, War, and Winning."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "Oh, yeah, right. So how come no one has read it?"

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "Because you stink at titles."

 **Sir Percy Blakeney** \- "You sure it isn't because it's boring?

 **Entire Orczy Fanbase** \- "That too. . ."

* * *

_At this present moment. . ._

**The Life and Exploits of the Scarlet Pimpernel**

**Baroness Orczy** \- "Did I write this? I don't remember writing this. I'm sure I didn't write this."

 **"John Blakeney"** \- "No mom, you didn't. I wrote it because you left out so much of the story."

 **Baroness Orczy** \- "But you leave tons of plot holes too. . ."

 **Army of Fan Fiction Writers** \- "DO NOT FEAR, WE WILL FILL THEM!"

 **Baroness Orczy** \- "Okay, fine, I'll write the introduction."

 **Army of Fan Fiction Writers** \- "WOOOOOOOT!" *opens Word doc excitedly*


End file.
